The Josh Franco Section
Even three sentences is too much for Josh. He doesn't read these bits. I'm not going to bother writing them.
So we've been back for a couple of weeks now and we're back into the swing of things. I think the last thing I need to do is write an end for this thing. For the six or seven people who've been keeping up to date on this thing - enjoy!
So when I left you last time it was on the end of a mammoth post detailing our time working. Something we enjoyed hugely but were still happy to have finished. Over the next couple of days we travelled down the North Island from Taupo to Napier (Where we stayed in a room with an old man who seemed to be suffering with Cabin Fever) and finally Wellington. Here we stayed with now almost proper Wellingtonian Rachel and went to see our first ever ballet. It was good but I don't think I understood enough about what was supposed to be going on to enjoy it properly!
It was then a quick ferry in the pouring rain and we were once again setting foot on the noticeably colder South Island. We spent a night in Picton before spending a night in the almost completely deserted Kaikoura (We had an entire hostel to ourselves) and then driving into Christchurch. In The Church (as the cool kids call it) we returned to our old home away from home at the Around the World hostel. Our main mission here was selling the car which true to form proved an absolute nightmare with help from some dodgy mechanics desperate for us to spend even more on cars than we already had. I won't bore you, but with help from The Backpacker Car Market we managed to establish the true state of the car (which having been repaired just weeks before actually was pretty darn good) we managed to find some loving new owners. It wasn't all tasks and sorting though we managed to go on a little ski trip up to Mount Hutt. Nic glid down the slopes with speed and grace whereas my four days of skiing ten years before translated to a day spent falling on my ass and having snowboarders spray snow in my face. Still fun though.
And then the parents arrived! Ma and Pa rolled up to Christchurch Airport and within a matter of hours we were on the road in the Mystery Van aka Trixie 3. It doesn't look too much from the outside but due to some ingenious use of space we didn't spend the next couple of weeks on top of each other. Instead we drove around enjoying the freezing cold weather and beautiful scenery. The South Island in Summer was great but in the winter it was if anything even more beautiful. As well as seeing much of what we'd seen before but in the snow we also managed a trip across Arthur's Pass and a walk at the base of Mount Cook which was absolutely stunning as well as SO damn cold. Not the coldest we were though. We made it down to Queenstown for the Winter Festival and headed to watch an ice hockey match. It turns out ice hockey matches are REALLY cold. Something to do with the ice needing to stay frozen. I spent about thirty minutes sitting dangerously close to a fire with about five layers on and I still couldn't recover feeling in my toes.
We (More I) also got a bit caught up in World Cup Fever. Getting up at stupid hours to watch England's awful performances as well as watching highlight programs fronted by light entertainment presenters without even the slightest clue about the rules of football. Luckily, as the only undefeated team in the tournament the Kiwis got really hyped up about their country's performances. It'd be nice if a 1-1 draw with Serbia delivered the same kind of euphoria here.
And so it came to an end with a final night in Christchurch before the first of two flights. These were all pretty smooth and separated by a night at Singapore Airport which if you don't know is one of the greatest places on Earth and a highlight of the trip. We were sad the adventure was over but at the same time happy to be home at last. I was also pretty delighted to be away from the cold. It might be raining today but I can at least feel all my extremities.
So what did we learn from travelling? It's a tough one. I learnt some very specific things like the difference between Brazilian portuguese and Portuguese portuguese (The first is more poetic) and how Rose wine is made (Not by mixing white and red wine together). I also learnt that I'm not very good with cars which I think I already knew. I think more than anything travelling gave us more of a sense of what we want to do and which direction we want to head in. I'm not going to wax lyrical about what that is but instead I'm going to plug my personal blog which can be found here and promise that it's going to have a bit of a refurb and be updated with plenty more projects than you've seen before. As well as that check out Gallery where once again I'll be featured plenty more with more pages on film and a whole new article telling you 'How To Do' different stuff.
And with that all there is left to do is thank those who took the time to read all these and in the words of the (soon to be late) great Bruce Forsyth,
The Josh Franco Section We spent a day doing the worst job in the world. We were evicted. We found happiness kiwi fruit picking.
Now THAT was a long wait huh? I did warn you. We had a couple of boring months – finding a flat, finding jobs, settling down in Auckland. Yeah. Right. That was never going to happen was it? Grab a cup of tea, a biscuit, maybe put some smooth jazz on your I-Tunes. This is going to be a long one (That's what he said?).
So we did follow the plan for a couple of weeks. After staying in some wet smelling hostels in Parnell we got a flat in Eden Terrace just outside the city centre. We had our own little room sharing with a couple of mature students (I won't mention any names or details to protect identities) and for a while things were good. After being on the move for so long we enjoyed settling into city life. We played Korfball (Winning the Auckland Companies Tournament and playing in a 7-7 draw with the New Zealand national team), enjoyed the music and arts scene (The Cribs and The Backstreet Boys) and I found a local comic shop. We even had a friend in the city. Amy (From Jersey! Hi Amy!) welcomed us into her new Auckland life and introduced us to her friends at the Parnell Student Village and took us on a road trip to her family's super cool farm-house. You haven't seen a giant dog until you've seen Amy's giant dog. We had some good times in Auckland. Don't get me wrong. There was just one MASSIVE problem.
We're in New Zealand on working Visas and no matter how many pointless Excel spreadsheets I typed up and no matter how many telephone numbers Nic typed in we were going to have to work at some point. The idea was that this would happen in Auckland. We must have applied to (no exaggeration) a couple of hundred jobs and contacted pretty much any job agency we could find. We got maybe three serious interviews, a few rejections but the vast majority didn't even bother getting back to us at all. A few people said this was the kiwi 'relaxed' way. The word I'd use is unprofessional. Jobs we were rejected from include ice cream seller, cinema attendant and Subway sandwich artist. Apparently a degree in English Literature with Creative Writing is no indication you are capable of making a sandwich. It was pretty depressing. But more depressing than having no job was our one day of working in door to door sales.
The following is taken from my diary entry for the 10th of March.
Confessions of a Door to Door Salesperson
So we got up nice and early and had a quick breakfast before walking to the s3 offices at the MPD Group. It was only 15 minutes walk on a beautiful sunny morning. We arrived at the busy reception with people in suits walking hurriedly about. For the second day in a row I had failed to dress correctly. Jeans and t-shirt obviously weren't going to be cool.
The office was so busy that it took 20 minutes before Managing Director Dave could fit us in. I didn't get a great feeling from him. He was 20 (He looked 15) and was already a Managing Director. A bit suspicious. He was very positive and general and didn't give much away about what his company actually did. He invited us back in the afternoon for a trial (under the proviso I would buy some smart clothes). Apparently we had potential.
So we had to rush to Warehouse and get me some work clothes. We both felt the meeting was a little dubious but we wanted to give it a chance. We got the clothes (tags still in for a quick return) and grabbed some food before going back to the offices. Our trial day started at 12.30 and we would be working for 8 hours selling cheap energy on behalf of Contact Energy. We had no idea what we were in for.
After signing various papers we were each assigned a mentor for the day. I had 'sales star' Kevin teaching me and Nic was put with surly Russian Kat. We hopped in the car and headed to a food court. Our mentors showed off their wealth by buying us lunch. The big shot could afford Subway.
The rest of the day is difficult to piece together in my head. I don't know what was real and what was fake. What I can be certain of is that as much as we were watching them try and sell to customers they were more trying to sell the job and lifestyle to us. They preached 'blind faith' in techniques and acronyms: The Law of Averages (Flawed because sales is not a pack of cards. There can be no aces.) S.E.E (Smile, Eye Contact, Enthusiasm) and most importantly impulsing. G.I.F..T.S Greed Indifference Fear of Loss The Jones Theory Sense of Urgency These things and more were constantly referred to and taught to us like we were children. What was truly offensive was that after teaching us these techniques they then tried to use them on us. My favourite was at 6 on the dot when Managing Director Dave phoned to inform us there were only two spots left (Fear of Loss).
That isn't to say there weren't fun moments in the day. We were greeted by one old man in Batman boxers sucking his finger claiming he used to own Contact Energy. I also found it quite interesting when Kevin explained to me how the whole scheme worked. Without actually using the words 'pyramid scheme' or 'cult' he painted a vivid picture of one. I shit you not, the company at the top of the pyramid is called Cobra. The same as the bad guys in G.I Joe.
Still, most of the day was horrible. Walking around in the hot sun. Getting rejected by nearly everyone. Little old ladies looking at you like you were the scum of the Earth (To be fair we pretty much were). There was a particularly disturbing moment when a mentally disabled woman answered the door and my man still tried to push a sale on her. He found the whole thing funny.
The final scores came to Kevin 2 Kat 0. For eight and a half hours work Kevin made $60 and Kat made absolutely nothing. She claimed she often made $200 a day.
After an hour and a half Nic and I had a chance to talk. We both immediately said knew this was something we couldn't do. The whole ordeal was just so depressing and morally unsound. I felt like I was in Glengarry Glen Ross chasing down leads on non-existent sales. The fact that I couldn't bring myself to do this actually made me feel good about myself. I'd rather have no money than degrade myself in such a way.
I've probably painted our mentors in a negative way but looking back I feel sorry for them. Beneath the shield of bullshit and selling techniques I think they were good people (Kat blamed her poor performance on her house being haunted. Kevin loved Entourage). It's just this life they've fallen into has turned them into chain smoking, caffeine ingesting sales robots.
'Don't worry it's not bad. You look like you like to save money.'
At the end of the day we said 'No' in the politest way possible. They couldn't sell to us.
By the way, I don't anyone fails the interview. There's some stuff in there that I think we signed contracts to say we wouldn't reveal but to be completely honest I couldn't give a shit. The more I think about what they do the angrier they get. They're evil and the people who buy into it are evil by association. Like henchmen.
Up until the end of March our search for employment continued to be fruitless. An agency set-up a job for Nic before pulling it at the last minute. We were beginning to think about moving on when the decision was made for us. We were sitting on the couch eating a pizza and watching the Amazing Race when South American nail technician flatmate / grumpy bitch sat down next to us looking all serious said 'It's not working out.'
Basically we were evicted. She gave us all these reasons about space and 'bad energy' because we weren't working. It all boiled down to them wanting flatmates who wouldn't actually use the flat and certainly not be awake watching the television after 9. I think I also offended her when I poured scorn on her notions of the world ending in 2012. We wanted to get out as quick as possible. In case you were wondering it's REALLY awkward having to live with people who have just made it very clear they don't want to live with you. Luckily, destiny (Trademe.co.nz) had something in store for us and we would have a new place to go in under 24 hours...
Since the start of April we have been living in The Mount Backpackers in beautiful little Mount Maunganui working as kiwi fruit pickers. From no / terrible work and living with boring / passive aggressive people to tough but well paid work and living with a massive cast of interesting and fun characters in a small but fun hostel. It was a hell of a change. Don't get me wrong there have been challenges here. To begin with we weren't sure how long we'd last with the fruit picking. It's physically exhausting work and after the first couple of days (going to bed as early as 9) we weren't sure how long we were going to last. But your body gets used to it. As I write this we've been kiwi fruit pickers for nearly two months and there's only three days left until the season is over. It's also tough living and working with the same people day in and day out. When anyone is forced together in a confined space you're sure to get on each other's nerves. Still, this hasn't happened much. We've been too busy with watching movies, football with Brazilians against Argentinians, making our own Monopoly / Table Tennis / Weakest Link, karaoke (Nic made her debut with a duet of Journey – Don't Stop Believin) and just hanging out.
So as I mentioned the season is over in a couple of days. We've booked a ferry to the South Island on the 7th of June and then we have a couple of weeks touring around with the rents revisiting the West Coast and maybe doing some skiing. And then? That's it. The return has been booked. The 2nd of July we'll be setting foot on British soil again. Get the welcome party ready.
So we livin life like a video, Where the sun is always out and you never get old and the champaign is always cold and the music is always good and the pretty girls just happen to stop by in the hood. Oh hang on those are Jay-Z lyrics. The sun has been out a lot though.
The Josh Franco Section I was entrusted with the responsibility to destroy the one ring to bind them all. I travelled across vast lands protected by elves, dwarves and Viggo Mortensen. I threw the ring into Mount Doom.
So there are plenty of photos up not just on Photobucket but now on Facebook too. They're on Nic's profile so go there to check them out and comment away.
So last time I left you we were hoping for some quieter times. That wasn't going to happen. In Trixie 2 we then drove to Franz Joseph in the shadow of the giant Glacier. Here we stayed with Anna and Iouan (No chance that's spelt right). They both work in the Kiwi conservation program which was super exciting because they'd just rescued a baby Kiwi. We got to have a little look at the wee thing and it was both cute and weird looking. They don't seem real with their giant beaks and fat fluffy bodies. Here's to evolution! The main attraction here was the chance to get up close and personal with the glacier. We did a full day hiking in crampons winding across the ice and through different tunnels and formations. It was strange having the massive icy glacier dominating the tiny town but it was a really beautiful little place and one of our favourite spots in the whole country.
From Franz Joseph we continued our nature odyssey onto Abel Tasman National Park. We didn't go for the hike this time. Instead we got a water taxi into the middle of the park and walked from there. Again the natural beauty didn't disappoint. From hiking a glacier to walking through lush tropical forest in a matter of days. We even took a little short cut walking through the oncoming tides up to our waist across a bay. When we finished the walk we even got to see four boobs on the beach. I think these girls were either Lesbian or European (pretty interchangeable) rolling around and straddling each other. How many points for that Franco?
Abel Tasman was our last major stop on the South Island. We spent a night in Picton enjoying the hospitality of The Sequoia Lodge - Free hot tub and free hot chocolate pudding - before hopping on the ferry to Wellington. I shouldn't boast but for once it wasn't me complaining about/being sick the whole way. Nic wasn't sick but it she had to assume the sleep position.
Finishing the South Island was sad but at the same time not so sad because joy of joys New Zealand is made up of two big islands. Little Geography lesson for you there. From the town of Picton we drove Trixie 2.0 onto the ferry at a very unsociable time of day and travelled across the sea to Wellington. This was kind of strange as it was the first time in a very long time we'd stayed in what I would call a real city. There were big buildings and people walking round and the place felt alive. Here we met up with Rachel of Scotland / Lancaster (see New Years Blog) and she showed us the sights and sounds of New Zealand's windy city. By this of course I mean we got drunk and went to bars (80s, hip-hop, gay, strip – you name it!). This isn't to say we didn't get any culture. We went to a play (called Pirates vs Ninjas) and ogled the Giant Squid at the museum. We also went on our first Lord of the Rings Tour. With a very informative guide we went into the Hobbiton woods (where we learnt to make a human horse – check the photos – best thing ever), stalked Peter Jackson's movie studios and went to the Weta Cave which was like on gigantic DVD extra. I should also mention the bizarre Worldwide hostel we stayed at. Rachel introduced us to a whole bunch of great people including Yuki the Dog Groomer and a girl who worked in the Estonian film industry as a set designer. She said they have a shortage of screenwriters so I think I'm going to just move there when we've finished in New Zealand. Weirdly the hostel had a 'gypsy camp' of people living in tents beneath it. It's difficult to describe. For those who know what I'm talking about it was like one big long Jamie-Fest.
It was a whirlwind trip and soon enough we were on the road and heading North. On the way up we stopped at Palmerston North which is notable for pretty much nothing at all. The next day we drove to Okahuna the base town for the Tongariro Crossing. On the way up here we drove through what I presume was purgatory. A town in the middle of a powercut with nothing but shitty cafes. Okahuna was a nice little place. We celebrated our two year anniversary here with me eating so much that I was almost sick. The main event here though is of course the crossing. The most popular of the Great walks and even more popular now because it is a chance to walk across Mordor and around the base of Mount Doom. We chose a hell of a day for it. It was raining and windy obscuring the views of Mount Doom. Also the bag which I thought had my jacket in it was actually just filled with plastic bags. It was a real struggle for the first half of the walk but the terrain was just incredible. Over the course of a couple of hours it changed from flat to jagged rocks to volcanoes to blue lakes and bush. By the end we were wet and tired and far too early for our bus. We had to wait two hours for it to actually pick us up. Luckily for us our camp-site had the best showers ever with heated towel rails and a heated light.
We then carried on to Waitomo for a spot of caving. Climbing down into a dark cavern and then jumping off a waterfall backwards into a rubber ring isn't really the type of thing Nic is interested in. That's why I didn't tell her this was what we'd be doing. Still, she faced her fear. Well there wasn't much facing as we jumped in backwards. I guess she turned her back to her fear and then jumped in anyway. The main thing to take out of this confusing paragraph is that it was a whole lot of fun. Plus after we jumped in we got to float through the dark in our rubber rings admiring the glow worms. On the way out of town we stopped at the Caving museum. I almost got stuck in the Cave Experience that may have been designed for children.
Next stop on the road was Taupo the big Kiwi family Summer holiday resort town. It was a nice enough area but not a huge deal to see and it was grey the whole time we were there. We were both quite eager to move onto Rotorua. It was kind of the start of hot spring country and our camp-site had a pretty sweet natural spring to hop into. It reminded me of home.
Rotorua was maybe what we'd both been looking forward to the most on the North island and it didn't disappoint. From its eggy stench to its plethora of activities it was everything the guide book promised. The smell is of course from the thermal activity all around the area and we gravitated to this first. On the way into town we stopped at The Lady Knox Geyser and the Thermal Wonderland of strange pools. During our stay we also went to the Buried Village. An excavated recreation of an area destroyed by volcanoes. Linked to this thermal activity our camp-site not only had the required thermal pools but also a free steam oven. For seven and a half hours we steamed some chicken and vegetables and my God why don't people steam more? It was fucking incredible. Steam is the way of the future. This method of cooking stems from the Maori hangi cooking technique. As well as doing our own hangi we got to have a real one at the Tamaki Village Maori Cultural Experience. This was a kind of Disneyfied journey into a 'real' Maori village with a bit of a tongue in cheek cultural show. This was great fun but also kind of expensive. For the amount of money we paid we both felt like maybe there could have been a bit more of the culture and a little less time driving around picking people up from different hotels. Also our bus driver tried to get drunken family wedding sing songs going with people who weren't drunk or family.
Along with natural wonders and Maori culture there are plenty of tourist activities in Rotorua. We went and encountered some Kiwis at the day and night Rainbow Springs animal park. There were loads of trout too. We also went to THE AGRODOME! This was a kind of farming Disney style park complete with bizarre sheep shearing show. It started with a fat man in a vest unleashing hordes of different breads of sheep and It ended with dogs sitting on the same sheep. It was weird. The Agrodome is also the home of Zorbing. I'm not even going to bother trying to explain. Just watch this.
It's kind of like what it might be like being trapped in a washing machine but more fun.
After Rotorua we began the drive to Auckland. On the way up we had a little stop in Matamata to go to the real life Hobbiton. Though we didn't see any Hobbits it was an exciting time to be there as they've just started rebuilding the sets for The Hobbit. This ended with another sheep shearing show and bottle feeding of lambs. I don't know what relevance this had to the Rings but it was much easier to follow than the Agrodome show.
We've been in Auckland a week and a half now. Since getting here we've found a flat (sharing with another very nice couple), been involved in a Tsunami warning and been on the look out for jobs. The relaxed Kiwi attitude means getting responses to applications has been frustrating but hopefully we'll be in the workforce sooner rather than latte. Maybe the most exciting thing about being here was we got to see former Jersey bean / current Kiwi Amy. She managed to fill us in on the way this city operates and we she also gave us a lift when our car broke. Thanks Amy! We also managed to play some korfball with the Auckland Korfball Club and watch The Cribs play. Home comforts on the other side of the world. We'll be here for the next 3 months before heading down to the South Island to meet up with Mother & Father on their travels. This might mean there are both fewer and less exciting updates or it might mean I might fill you in on things like the woman I saw at the supermarket eating cat food. We do have Skype now so let us know if you fancy a chin wag. We have a webcam too so things could get sexy.
The Josh Franco Section We did some bungy jumps. We nearly lost everything. We jumped out a plane.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Prepare yourself for the most pulse pounding, heartbreaking, nail biting blog entry yet. If you're of a nervous disposition you may want to look away now. If not prepare for...
The Life & Death of Trixie the Toyota & Other Stories
So last time I left you we were in Te Anau. From here we explored the obscenely scenic surroundings. First this involved a boat journey across the lake to the Glow-worm caves. These dark caves were filled with little glow-worms shining light out their bums like shining stars in the sky. It was really cool, kind of like being in space. Floating around we completely lost our sense of where we were. The next day we went to The Milford Sound. This was even more incredibly beautiful. We went on a boat cruise around the sound (Boring Fact: It isn't actually a sound but a Fiord) and basically just sat out in the fresh air admiring our surroundings. You can look at the photos of the place but it's difficult to understand the sheer scale of it all without being there. There are waterfalls three times the size of Niagara Falls and mountains above the cloud line.
From Te Anau we drove to Queenstown. This is where it gets extreme! The first bit of excitement happened on the drive there. You should definitely fill up on petrol before you start a drive like this. You can't just hope to fill up on a town on the way if there isn't such thing as a town on the way. We just about made it to Kingston with the Empty light having been flashing for about half an hour. From here it was just a short drive to scenic Queenstown. Q-Town has a reputation as New Zealand's adventure capital and it is totally justified. After getting in and setting up camp we walked down the main street and were spoilt for choice with activities to book. We selected a couple of things and then carried on exploring. The place surprised both of us. I think we were expecting more of a city instead of the picturesque mountain town we got. It was a pleasant surprise anyway.
Our first extreme activity was the world's highest swing The Nevis Sky Swing. A kind of warm-up for what was to come it is 166m high with a 300m arc and 70m free fall. We decided to go backwards as a tandem first of all. We had to tip-toe out to the edge where we were strapped into harnesses. They then dangled us over the chasm before pressing a button and sending us flying. It all went so fast with neither of us really knowing what was going on. The harness flew up and hit me in the face leaving me with a cut. It was awesome. As we kind of got our heads back together we both decided we wanted to go again. This time we went backward and dangling upside down which was even more fun. I'd never seen Nic look as scared as she did before this (this title would soon be taken) but she enjoyed it too. In the afternoon we went up the gondola to Bob's Peak to enjoy the views over the city and have a go on the luge.
The next day was the most extreme day. We didn't have a great night's sleep in preparation for it. Our delightful neighbours (who had decorated their pad with used condoms and empty bottles) were a little bit noisy. You know the neighbours theme tune - with a little understanding good neighbours become good friends. I'm not sure how much understanding would be needed for these guys. From the hours of 11 to 12 we had the sound of violent retching as one of them was sick pretty much everywhere. This was topped at 3am when we were awoken by the porn star noises being made by two of the others as they boned presumably on top of the corpse of the girl who'd vomited herself to death. Nic got up and pretty much told them to get a room rather than a paper thin tent. Anyway, we were a little bleary eyed when we got up ready for me to jump off a bridge. I was doing the Karawau Bridge. 43 metres - the world's first commercial bungy jump. The bus dropped us off at the jump site around 10.15. Within a matter of minutes I had been weighed and processed and I was having a towel strapped to my legs. The staff at AJ Hackett were completely professional and didn't give anyone a second to be scared. Before I'd even really processed where I was I was tip-toeing to the edge. The jump-master whose nickname was Killa (Brilliant) told me to look out toward the bridge and jump on 1. 3-2-1... I jumped. It was a total head rush racing toward the water and then hitting the surface. I was soaked but I felt brilliant dangling there. I'd definitely do it again and I even managed to inspire Nic to do a jump too. In the afternoon I went River Boarding. This wasn't so much River Surfing but more grabbing onto a board and trying to go with the flow as I hurtled down grade three rapids and swirled round whirlpools. It wasn't what I expected (really hard work) but it was fun anyway. As I got back it was time for Nic's jump. We got the Gondola again up to The Ledge. Nic had a bit more of a wait than me but soon enough she was being strapped into the harness. Nic chose this one because you got to do a run-up and didn't have to stand with your toes over the edge. They counted down from 5 this time and off she went. It was absolutely hilarious. Maybe, even more fun than mine. She jumped off the ledge and kind of doggy paddled in the air before in true Wil.E Coyote style realising that gravity still applied and rushing 48 metres toward the trees below. I have never heard such a girly scream from Miss Nicki Wray. I insisted on buying the DVD so we could watch it again and again. Check out the photos and things. It really was great stuff.
Our loud neighbours had left (Maybe a Roman style orgy to attend?) but we still couldn't get a good night's sleep as our tent pole snapped AGAIN. Rebel Sports tents are definitely not the best quality.
And now for the REALLY exciting part...
After buying a new tent (Kathmandu this time – pay more but for better quality) we left Queenstown heading toward Wanaka. There are two ways to drive this route. The long way along the relatively flat route 6 and the more direct path through the crown range. We chose the more scenic second option. What we didn't realise is that this would mean taking Trixie on the steepest sealed road in the whole of New Zealand. This would prove to be a mistake for a car that had struggled on the flattest of roads. We'd been going for about twenty minutes before the problems started. A whirring noise, the revs going through the roof and a horrible burning smell. The clutch had gone. Everyone to panic stations. We needed to pull over. Mostly due to indecision I waited until the next layby as a row of cars started to build up behind us. There were some cyclists resting here so I couldn't get the car onto the flat. I pulled up the hand-brake and put the car in gear. We both managed to get out. Then the car started to roll. Down the hill, back toward the road, back toward the cliff edge and a plunge down the mountain side. Everything we owned was in the back. We tried to push, fighting against gravity. It didn't do any good. The car continued to roll. This was more terrifying than bungy jumping, scarier than river boarding, the world's highest swing didn't even come close. The car slammed back into a wooden fence just about wedging the bumper against it. Nic had her door open which helped too. I was straight on the phone to the AA. Speaking to different people giving me different quotes and times. They suggested an agonizing 45 minutes wait until help could get there. Two hours later someone finally arrived. My new hero Garry Ross of Shamrock Motors.
The two hours actually went by quite quickly. We played cards with some fellow travellers whose car engine had overheated, we spoke to a nice biker who had got a puncture and the police stopped by and checked on us telling us they'd been looking for a man who'd been threatening cars with a knife on the other side of the hill. It could have been worse, I don't know if Trixie could have outran a man with a knife. The nicest thing was the number of people who stopped to see if we were OK. There are good people here. Once Garry got us hooked up he dragged us further up the hill so we could use the momentum to get Trixie onto his trailer. This resulted in another much smaller crash before we got her on and were heading back into Arrowtown. At this point it was clear that Trixie had driven her last mile. We weren't sure what we'd do. Sure we could get another car but we'd lose a number of days and probably have to work a lot earlier than planned. It also meant we'd probably have to go back into Queenstown to find the new car. This is when Garry saved us. His wife had a Toyota Corona for sale. Only slightly more expensive than Trixie we took it for a test drive. Despite being a year older it was obviously in much better condition. So we shelled out the cash and christened our new car Trixie 2.
We spent a night at the camp-site in Arrowtown and then went to say a tearful goodbye to Trixie as we left her in the car graveyard and were on our way to Wanaka via the long route. On the way in we stopped at the weird but fun Puzzle World. Our potent mix of aggression, impatience and incompetence meant a fun time in the maze turned into a massive struggle. Check out the pictures for Nic's face when finishing! Today we performed our final EXTREME activity – Sky Diving. We went from 12,000 feet with a 45 second free fall over Lake Wanaka. It was hugely enjoyable but neither Nic nor I felt too terrified being up there. I guess being strapped to a giant Brazilian called Mac will get rid of most of your fear. Some great views as we floated down to the ground though.
After all these crazy adventures we're hoping for a little more relaxing time as we finish off the South Island before heading North. No more jumping off bridges or out of planes and certainly no more Near Death Experiences with cars, cliffs and steep roads. It's good to be alive!
The Josh Franco Section We are still in New Zealand. You shouldn't be ashamed of playing badminton. We saw lots of animals.
Hey there kids. The blog is back and this time it's personal. Actually I guess every time it's personal. If it wasn't personal it wouldn't be much of a travel blog and would maybe be a work of fiction. Anyway, last time I left you I was feeling slightly hungover. Not now. As I write this I am sitting looking out to the mountains towering over Lake Te Anau. I think the only suitable word for the view is Bonertastic. It's making it more difficult to type anyway. So since last time we have travelled down the East Coast in Trixie the Toyota (Despite her best efforts to stop us) and now we're heading back up West. For those of you who are confused (Josh) and had to ask my Mum which country we were in (Josh) – We are in New Zealand. Whatever the case I think I can safely say it's better than Old Zealand.
So before we left Christchurch we wanted to give the car a little test so we did a few day trips. We drove to Sumner and along with our gal pal Ian we did a walk to Taylor's Mistake. The highlight of the trip for everyone was seeing a pensioner sun bathing naked on the beach. The weird thing is there wasn't even any Sun. Here is also where we discovered Trixie's handbrake was by and large useless. On the plus side I managed to figure this out before slowly rolling back into the sea. Our second testing trip was to Hamner Springs where we relaxed in the eggy smelling bubbling natural hot springs. We also had a game of mining themed mini golf. It was a course I think most people would enjoy. Actual miners like ToM might find it a bit of a busman's holiday. I should also mention that at this point we were staying in The Jailhouse – an old jail refitted as a hostel. A really cool place to stay with all of the jail features pretty much intact including cells doubling as rooms. 'Anything can happen when two people share a cell cuz.' I don't know what all those prisoners complain about. It was really nice. I didn't get raped once. Just in case I did draw the prison layout on my stomach a la Michael Schofield.
Reasonably confident in our driving ability we then left 'The Church' as the kids are calling it apparently and headed out on our adventures. Our first stop was the Banks Peninsula and the small town of Akaroa for our first nights camping. We eagerly set-up our brand new tent, put out our totally useful citronella candles and prepared ourselves to go wild. And for the first night it was fine if a little cold. It was on the day after the first night that the tent pole decided to snap. This presented a couple of problems. 1.The tent was now not really capable of having people sleep in it. 2.Due to a snapped lever on the back seat of our car the back seat couldn't go down. We were a little distressed and none too pleased with Rebel Sports' $50 tent. I drove to the shop and bought super glue and needles. The glue wouldn't fix the pole and I don't really know why I bought the needles. It was looking pretty bad. I didn't panic though and started randomly prodding the broken lever with a tent peg. Much to my surprise it worked and we got the seat down. This meant we could now sleep in the back of the car like motorized hobos (Mobos?). I revelled in my hero status for the next forty minutes. The town of Akaroa was itself a really nice little place. It markets itself as a French settlement though its Frenchness pretty much boils down to it having a bakery. I can make judgements on this because I am basically French. The main attraction was seeing The Hector's Doplhin. The world's smallest dolphin and native only to New Zealand's coast. We donned our wetsuits and headed out in search of them. It took a little while to find them but we were soon in the water. The idea was to stay still and let them interact with you but a German man in our group took this to mean flap around as much as possible and if you see a fin chase it down like a dog chasing a stick. Eventually he got the idea and the dolphins had a little swim amongst us. It was pretty cool.
After Akaroa we were heading back toward Christchurch and onto the East Coast proper. On the way we picked up a new tent pole... Or so we thought. Our first stop was the small city of Timaru. Not an especially exciting place. It didn't help that it rained most of the time and we were on an abandoned gypsy camp-site and despite there being loads of room the only other people in there (a woman and her 7 annoying children) decided to camp pretty much on top of us. Then the tent pole didn't work. It required assembly and was a completely different size to the one we already had. At this point I reached the status of 'angry'. We went to Rebel Sport in Timaru and the girl at the counter offered her sincerest apologies that we had been completely fucked around but said they didn't have any spare poles. At this point I reached the status 'HULK'. This doesn't happen often and few people have seen it. I kind of blanked out what actually happened but whatever the case we walked out with a brand new tent. Score.
It was only one night on the camp-site of the damned (and 7 irritating children) before we were heading onto Oamaru. Thankfully the camp-site was much nicer. Set quite a distance from the city The Olive Garden was spacious and open with trees and a stream trickling along side and sheltered by a cliff face. The owners were also really helpful in providing tips for our main Oamaru mission – spotting penguins. On their advise we stayed away from the city on the first night and instead went to Moeraki Village and beyond to the end of Lighthouse Road. Here we walked through a gate and literally a couple of metres to our left we saw our first penguins. An adult and its big fat fluffy chick. Here we saw about 10 penguins in total only metres away from us going about their daily business. As a bonus there were also countless seals littering the beaches and rocks. Most were just lying around but a few were swimming around in the rock pools and plain just having a great time. The next day we went to the Moeraki Boulders in the morning. After a cold walk in the wind and rain we got a few pictures before Nic's camera packed up. They were as much fun as a bunch of rocks in the sea could be and kind of cool to have a look at and a jump around on. In the afternoon we went into the city to see the Blue Penguins. In the early evening we did a Behind the Scenes Tour of the colony which was pretty lame. The guide was unable to answer any of my well thought out questions about the little things. Much better was our return at 9 for the main event. As it got dark rafts of the Blue Penguins rolled into shore. We sat in a stand and watched 116 penguins climb up the rocks and waddle to their nests. Both sets of penguins were great fun to watch. They waddle with such intensity like they have really important tasks to accomplish. The blue ones are like Lemmings from the old PC Game except without the umbrellas and drills and things. Watching them run and then fall on their stomachs never got old.
After two places that could barely be described as cities we headed to the real city of Dunedin. On the way we stopped at the very cool Asylum hostel which was as you may guess an old Asylum turned into a hostel and classic car museum (scrap yard). I should also mention that before leaving Oamaru Trixie had to get her first jump start. Thanks Olive Garden man! We stayed just a stone's throw away from the beach at another nice holiday park. We had two full days to explore. On the first we did tours of The Speight's Beer Factory and The Cadbury's Factory. Both were interesting but the Beer was a little more fun. Our tour guide was 'basically a chilled out entertainer' who after the tour told us some stories of how the mayor of Dunedin had called him without even a day's notice and got him to do a show and explaining how he crafted cutting edge jokes on subjects such as Tiger Woods' infidelity. The free beer at the end of the tour was a nice little bonus too. The Cadbury's tour also gave out freebies but only their crappier chocolate. Not a Crunchie in sight. The factory wasn't in full swing as it was still Christmas holidays but I would recommend going. We went in search of the forgotten chocolate of yesteryear The Fuse and although we saw a wrapper in the museum section there wasn't any available to buy. On our second day we drove out to the Otago Peninsula. Here we went to New Zealand's only castle that wasn't really a castle but more of an old house. We went to the Albatross sanctuary but thought it too expensive. The joke was on them because I saw one flying about. We also tried to go on a walk recommended in our pamphlet but after driving down a suspicious track were told by some farmer types that the walk we wanted to do had been closed for about 11 years. Eventually we found a walk that we were actually allowed to do heading down through some rock formations resembling pyramids to the beach. The peninsula was a nice way to spend a day and good preparation for the next section of our trip. I should also mention in Dunedin we had our first of two free AA call out as the battery went again. The guy who came to fix it moved a wire and it came back to life. He explained it was a loose connection and then I think to make me feel better bashed it with his hammer a couple of times.
From Dunedin we had a two day drive through The Catlins. No mobile phone reception, no cash points and very little in the way of civilisation. On the way we stopped at waterfalls, caves and after a long drive down dodgy track (most of the side roads were a bit of a nightmare) we found a beach that Sea Lions called home. We saw a male and female on our walk along the shore. Unlike seals Sea Lions are not scared of humans and will charge if they feel threatened. After seeing the 400kg male get up on his flippers I didn't want to do anything to make them feel threatened. Our camp-site at Curio Bay was very basic but the location was incredible. On one side we had waves crashing onto the rocks and on the other side we had more yellow eyed penguins. It was also in such a place that many Sea-Lions decided to crash there taking up camp-sites and even lying in the entrance. A German man got too close to one and ended up getting chased. It was pretty funny.
Back from the Catlins it was back to civilisation and phone reception for our phones that don't really work all that well anyway. We stayed the weekend in Invercargill with Matt and Sam Hall, their 2 year old Phoebe and Scooby Doo look a like dog Jazzie. Phoebe, Jazzie and I formed a gang and solved some mysteries. The Halls kindly allowed us to recharge our batteries and agreed to look after Trixie whilst we went to Stewart Island.
15 minutes on a tiny plane with a 10 person capacity and we were there. Stewart Island is at New Zealand's southern tip and although much bigger than Jersey it's population is minuscule with the majority of the island covered in forest. We had a day in the township of Oban to prepare ourselves before embarking on a 3 day great walk trek. It was 36km total spread out to 12 km per day with stops in basic huts with bunks and cold running water and festival style toilets. Because we had to carry all our food and provisions in our packs it was actually tough going. By the last hour of our trek we were pretty tired but with the help of a few word and memory games we got through it. It was fun and a great feeling to finish but I'm not sure if we'll do many more like it. Walking can be kind of boring when there isn't a whole lot to look at and you have to do it three days in a row. We flew back a day later and because of over booking I had to co-pilot the plane. The pilot was a bit of a dick and wouldn't let me have a go on the wheel or press any buttons but I was fully prepared to take us to our firey death if anything happened to him. Matt and Phoebe picked us up at the airport and we had another night of their hospitality (who knew putting a hat on a dog could be so much fun?) before we started our western trek.
Epic. So we are now in Te Anau basing ourselves for The Milford Sound. After this it's up to Queenstown and some EXTREME activities that I'm not allowed to talk about yet because it might upset my Mum, Wanaka and then the Glaciers.
Hope all is well wherever you are my dear readers and that you haven't been too inconvenienced by the snow. Let it be known we were totally jealous looking at the photos on Facebook. If you want to get in touch leave a comment or hit us up on the Facebook. It's always good to hear from people unless you're the type of person I secretly hate. Now I'm off to play mini-golf!
The Josh Franco Section: We are in New Zealand. It was Christmas. There are lots of sheep.
Happy New Year! You hungover? Me too. Or I was. I just feel a bit tired now. Nic is watching Harry Potter (I am not a conjurer of cheap tricks).
So we have been in New Zealand for just over two weeks now. It hasn't been quite the National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets-esque constant excitement of Australia (But please carry on reading!). We've got a while here so we're going to take our time. Actually considering how close New Zealand is to Australia I've been surprised by how different both the place is and how different our experiences have been.
Firstly there's the weather (Come on. We're British after all). It is summer here but the weather changes several times a day here on The South Island. We've had rain, cold, wind and sun (Good name for a 70s funk band). It's just like being at home really. We've invested in a hood and I've even bought a pair of jeans. Apologies to those who enjoy salivating over my highly defined calves.
For the most part we've been based in central Christchurch at The Around The World Hostel. It is by far the nicest hostel we've stayed in. It's clean and comfortable, has a family atmosphere and free internet and Sky TV. We've done a few boring but important tasks. Bank accounts have been set-up and we've bought both a laptop and a car. If you're my Facebook friend you may have noticed a heated debate going on over the name of the car. My vote was for Battlecar Galactica edging out The Fuck Wagon. The car is actually called Trixie the 1990 White Toyota Corona. It even has room in the back to sleep in. If Trixie is a rocking don't come a knocking.
Christmas wasn't spent at the hostel. We journeyed out the city to Rangoria to stay with one of Nic's sister's friends. Annabelle, her family, their two dogs, a cat and a stable of horses welcomed us into their home for a couple of days. It was a strange experience being away from home. We had a nice day and we exchanged presents and went for a dip in the pool but it didn't quite feel like Christmas. There's the obvious stuff of missing your family and your own traditions like a revitalising hot tub after partying at Chicago the night before and your grandparents making mildly controversial comments and inevitably talking about the war but there's another layer to it. There just isn't the same kind of crazy focus on the day. This could make a nice change for some but I think Nic and I both love that craziness. I think it also may have something to do with the fact that Christmas is in Summer. It isn't a Christmas holiday so much as an event in their Summer Holiday. Still, it was awesome of the Latzes to welcome us into their home. It was less awesome of their 12 year old bulldog called Molly to start masturbating in front of us. Bad dog.
So we have the car and we have plenty of adventures planned out. I think for the rest of the day we're going to slouch around and watch films and TV (Tool Academy 2!). Oh, awesome coincidence - staying at our hostel were two fellow Lancaster graduates. Not only that but both Paul and Rachel knew plenty of people we did. Paul is back in the UK but Rachel joined us last night to make home-made Carleton fish bowls. Deadly but tasty.
Hope all is good and you all have your New Year's resolutions ready to ignore. My resolution is to hunt down Flight of the Conchords and force them to induct me as their third member. Either that or I'll hunt down Crowded House and make them do the same.
The Josh Franco Section
In Cairns there were lots of bugs and it was hot. We drank wine like on Sideways in Adelaide. In Melbourne prison a man wanked himself to death.
Did someone say photos?
Our next stop was Tropical Cairns. Though it was a little more happening than Townsville it didn't really feel like a city. Cities don't have that many souvenir stores. Also I think most places generally don't have that many mosquitos. We spent our first couple of days here mostly relaxing by the man made lagoon right in the centre of town (Jersey needs one of these). Weirdly enough we also met a fellow Jersey-ite staying at the same hostel as us (Hi Becky!). A couple of days in we set off on our final East Coast organised tour to Cape Tribulation. It was a commentary filled bus ride of extensive activities, some wildlife (including small crocodiles and a big fat weird looking bird that kills people... sometimes) and our first taste of bush grub. You'll see in the photos this involved licking ant's asses that tasted like sours. I have to say it's the tastiest ass I've ever licked. Over night we stayed in the Cape and then spent a day jungle surfing. This basically involved being strapped in to harnasses and shooting around the jungle like maniacs. It made you feel a bit like a super-hero except you could only save people in a very limited area. Zip-wire man. Not really Superman or Man Who Owns a Helicopter Man. After the jungle surfing we then headed back to Cairns and then had a couple more days of not doing a great deal in the city. As I mentioned last time my Birthday fell into these couple of days. Nic threw a little party for me by the lagoon and we wore hats and had cake and drank fizzy wine like hobos. It was wonderful. We also had ribs / steaks and went to see The Invention of Lying. It wasn't so wonderful.
Cairns was as far east as we wanted to journey. From here we flew down South to Adelaide. You've (Read 'I've') got to love a city that has three comic book shops on its main shopping street. To make a change it actually felt like a city even if it was a small one. Our hostel was a strange kind of place situated above a pub / betting office at the edge of the red light district and as far as we could tell had no one working there (The pub staff gave us our keys). Still, it was cheap and next door to a 24 hour pancake house. Whilst down South we took a day trip Wine-Tasting in the Barossa Valley. This involved boarding a bus early in the morning, visiting a couple of tourist attractions including the giant rocking horse and its bizarre wildlife enclosure (goats, kangaroos, peacocks fuck it let's stick them all in the same place) and then drinking lots of wine. I wanted to be Sideways style classy but there was no spitting the wine out and having started drinking at Jacob's Creek at 10.30am we had more than half a buzz on before midday. We also got to try Kangaroo Steak at lunch and I have to say it was really nice. Almost no fat on it.
WINE FACT: Rose wine is not made by mixing red and white wine together.
By the end of the day we had bought a couple of bottles and were struggling to taste anything. This of course led to more going out and I foolishly moved onto the beers. The next day nursing a hangover in the beautiful lake-side park a pair of hobos came and sat next to us and started yapping away. I tried to humour them so they wouldn't feel the need to stab us. One of them showed me his crack-pipe and started telling me how he always gets copper and brass in his drugs. I was like 'Yeah. I hate it when that happens.' After managing to make a getaway we headed out to the Suburbs to visit one of Nic's Sister's friends and her lovely family. After so long on the road it was nice to be in a house. Small joys.
After a freezing cold and pretty much sleepless bus journey we arrived in Melbourne.
FACT: Melbourne used to be called Batmania. Why would anyone change that?
We had a couple of days here and we spent pretty much the whole time free tramming around from attraction to attraction. It's a very happening kind of place. It reminded me a bit of Manchester even down to the fact it rained half the time. Highlights included the ACMI (I am Neo (Click Here)), The Sports Museum and the Old Melbourne Gaol. This had an exhibit where you could experience the feeling of being arrested and a small info board on a prisoner who masturbated himself to death. Fatal wanking accident.
From Melbourne it was then one final bus ride and back to where we started - Sydney! We spent the weekend with another of Nic's sisters friends staying with them in beautiful beach side Manly (I like staying in places whose names describe me). We went to a beach party one day and then spent the next day recovering from the same party. I'm now typing this in the same hostel as we stayed in when we arrived. Jonny is arriving in a couple of hours and then we have two days before New Zealand.
Hopefully all is good at home and Christmas preparations are in full swing. It doesn't feel at all like the festive season here although some people are trying. We'll see how we feel closer to the time.
