The Josh Franco Section
We spent a day doing the worst job in the world. We were evicted. We found happiness kiwi fruit picking.
Now THAT was a long wait huh? I did warn you. We had a couple of boring months – finding a flat, finding jobs, settling down in Auckland. Yeah. Right. That was never going to happen was it? Grab a cup of tea, a biscuit, maybe put some smooth jazz on your I-Tunes. This is going to be a long one (That's what he said?).
So we did follow the plan for a couple of weeks. After staying in some wet smelling hostels in Parnell we got a flat in Eden Terrace just outside the city centre. We had our own little room sharing with a couple of mature students (I won't mention any names or details to protect identities) and for a while things were good. After being on the move for so long we enjoyed settling into city life. We played Korfball (Winning the Auckland Companies Tournament and playing in a 7-7 draw with the New Zealand national team), enjoyed the music and arts scene (The Cribs and The Backstreet Boys) and I found a local comic shop. We even had a friend in the city. Amy (From Jersey! Hi Amy!) welcomed us into her new Auckland life and introduced us to her friends at the Parnell Student Village and took us on a road trip to her family's super cool farm-house. You haven't seen a giant dog until you've seen Amy's giant dog. We had some good times in Auckland. Don't get me wrong. There was just one MASSIVE problem.
We're in New Zealand on working Visas and no matter how many pointless Excel spreadsheets I typed up and no matter how many telephone numbers Nic typed in we were going to have to work at some point. The idea was that this would happen in Auckland. We must have applied to (no exaggeration) a couple of hundred jobs and contacted pretty much any job agency we could find. We got maybe three serious interviews, a few rejections but the vast majority didn't even bother getting back to us at all. A few people said this was the kiwi 'relaxed' way. The word I'd use is unprofessional. Jobs we were rejected from include ice cream seller, cinema attendant and Subway sandwich artist. Apparently a degree in English Literature with Creative Writing is no indication you are capable of making a sandwich. It was pretty depressing. But more depressing than having no job was our one day of working in door to door sales.
The following is taken from my diary entry for the 10th of March.
Confessions of a Door to Door Salesperson
So we got up nice and early and had a quick breakfast before walking to the s3 offices at the MPD Group. It was only 15 minutes walk on a beautiful sunny morning. We arrived at the busy reception with people in suits walking hurriedly about. For the second day in a row I had failed to dress correctly. Jeans and t-shirt obviously weren't going to be cool.
The office was so busy that it took 20 minutes before Managing Director Dave could fit us in. I didn't get a great feeling from him. He was 20 (He looked 15) and was already a Managing Director. A bit suspicious. He was very positive and general and didn't give much away about what his company actually did. He invited us back in the afternoon for a trial (under the proviso I would buy some smart clothes). Apparently we had potential.
So we had to rush to Warehouse and get me some work clothes. We both felt the meeting was a little dubious but we wanted to give it a chance. We got the clothes (tags still in for a quick return) and grabbed some food before going back to the offices. Our trial day started at 12.30 and we would be working for 8 hours selling cheap energy on behalf of Contact Energy. We had no idea what we were in for.
After signing various papers we were each assigned a mentor for the day. I had 'sales star' Kevin teaching me and Nic was put with surly Russian Kat. We hopped in the car and headed to a food court. Our mentors showed off their wealth by buying us lunch. The big shot could afford Subway.
The rest of the day is difficult to piece together in my head. I don't know what was real and what was fake. What I can be certain of is that as much as we were watching them try and sell to customers they were more trying to sell the job and lifestyle to us. They preached 'blind faith' in techniques and acronyms:
The Law of Averages (Flawed because sales is not a pack of cards. There can be no aces.)
S.E.E (Smile, Eye Contact, Enthusiasm)
and most importantly impulsing.
G.I.F..T.S
Greed
Indifference
Fear of Loss
The Jones Theory
Sense of Urgency
These things and more were constantly referred to and taught to us like we were children. What was truly offensive was that after teaching us these techniques they then tried to use them on us. My favourite was at 6 on the dot when Managing Director Dave phoned to inform us there were only two spots left (Fear of Loss).
That isn't to say there weren't fun moments in the day. We were greeted by one old man in Batman boxers sucking his finger claiming he used to own Contact Energy. I also found it quite interesting when Kevin explained to me how the whole scheme worked. Without actually using the words 'pyramid scheme' or 'cult' he painted a vivid picture of one. I shit you not, the company at the top of the pyramid is called Cobra. The same as the bad guys in G.I Joe.
Still, most of the day was horrible. Walking around in the hot sun. Getting rejected by nearly everyone. Little old ladies looking at you like you were the scum of the Earth (To be fair we pretty much were). There was a particularly disturbing moment when a mentally disabled woman answered the door and my man still tried to push a sale on her. He found the whole thing funny.
The final scores came to Kevin 2 Kat 0. For eight and a half hours work Kevin made $60 and Kat made absolutely nothing. She claimed she often made $200 a day.
After an hour and a half Nic and I had a chance to talk. We both immediately said knew this was something we couldn't do. The whole ordeal was just so depressing and morally unsound. I felt like I was in Glengarry Glen Ross chasing down leads on non-existent sales. The fact that I couldn't bring myself to do this actually made me feel good about myself. I'd rather have no money than degrade myself in such a way.
I've probably painted our mentors in a negative way but looking back I feel sorry for them. Beneath the shield of bullshit and selling techniques I think they were good people (Kat blamed her poor performance on her house being haunted. Kevin loved Entourage). It's just this life they've fallen into has turned them into chain smoking, caffeine ingesting sales robots.
'Don't worry it's not bad. You look like you like to save money.'
At the end of the day we said 'No' in the politest way possible. They couldn't sell to us.
By the way, I don't anyone fails the interview.
There's some stuff in there that I think we signed contracts to say we wouldn't reveal but to be completely honest I couldn't give a shit. The more I think about what they do the angrier they get. They're evil and the people who buy into it are evil by association. Like henchmen.
Up until the end of March our search for employment continued to be fruitless. An agency set-up a job for Nic before pulling it at the last minute. We were beginning to think about moving on when the decision was made for us. We were sitting on the couch eating a pizza and watching the Amazing Race when South American nail technician flatmate / grumpy bitch sat down next to us looking all serious said 'It's not working out.'
Basically we were evicted. She gave us all these reasons about space and 'bad energy' because we weren't working. It all boiled down to them wanting flatmates who wouldn't actually use the flat and certainly not be awake watching the television after 9. I think I also offended her when I poured scorn on her notions of the world ending in 2012. We wanted to get out as quick as possible. In case you were wondering it's REALLY awkward having to live with people who have just made it very clear they don't want to live with you. Luckily, destiny (Trademe.co.nz) had something in store for us and we would have a new place to go in under 24 hours...
Since the start of April we have been living in The Mount Backpackers in beautiful little Mount Maunganui working as kiwi fruit pickers. From no / terrible work and living with boring / passive aggressive people to tough but well paid work and living with a massive cast of interesting and fun characters in a small but fun hostel. It was a hell of a change. Don't get me wrong there have been challenges here. To begin with we weren't sure how long we'd last with the fruit picking. It's physically exhausting work and after the first couple of days (going to bed as early as 9) we weren't sure how long we were going to last. But your body gets used to it. As I write this we've been kiwi fruit pickers for nearly two months and there's only three days left until the season is over. It's also tough living and working with the same people day in and day out. When anyone is forced together in a confined space you're sure to get on each other's nerves. Still, this hasn't happened much. We've been too busy with watching movies, football with Brazilians against Argentinians, making our own Monopoly / Table Tennis / Weakest Link, karaoke (Nic made her debut with a duet of Journey – Don't Stop Believin) and just hanging out.
So as I mentioned the season is over in a couple of days. We've booked a ferry to the South Island on the 7th of June and then we have a couple of weeks touring around with the rents revisiting the West Coast and maybe doing some skiing. And then? That's it. The return has been booked. The 2nd of July we'll be setting foot on British soil again. Get the welcome party ready.
Missing you all and see you soon,
Steve & Nic
xxx
