The Beach.

The Josh Franco Section
We went to The Beach. Leonardo DiCaprio was in The Beach. Leonardo Di Caprio is NOT Tobey Maguire.

First things first. I am pooing fine now. Thanks for the support though.

So where did we leave you? The islands. After leaving Koh Phagan we journeyed across sea and land from the Gulf of Thailand side of the island to the Indian (Is that the PC Term?) Ocean. The journey was pretty much without incident though the mini-bus driver did stop a number of times to drop brown paper packages into slightly dodgy looking locales.

Eventually we reached our next stop which was the sea-port town of Krabbi. The hotels for this leg of the trip where booked in Bangkok through the mysterious Mister PK and they haven't dissapointed. Our room was massive with a bed that could probably fit four comfortably and about twelve if reproductive organ to ass spooning was going on. The only down side was the hotel was in the shadow of an even more luxurious hotel which led to some 'grass is always greener' syndrome. Anyway, the area was nice but didn't have much to distinguish it from the town areas we'd already been to with entrepeneurs on every street corner pushing their 25% discounts and fine suits. The most exciting thing that happened was when a man placed his moneky puppet on Nic's shoulder... except it wasn't a puppet. Nic was living her monkey hug dream but didn't even realise it. In fact it was more a monkey hug nightmare with the man quoting prices for photos and the monkey looking like it might do a poo out of fear. I of course wasn't jealous because I had been pooing by now. The other distinguishing thing about the area was that we began to understand why they call this time the rain season with some sudden violent outbursts of water pouring down every couple of hours. This would affect the next leg of the trip.

Whilst I enjoy travelling my parents / girlfriend / friends will tell you that I'm not always the best at it. Nic knows my sicky face well. It was something she saw on our boat trip from Krabbi to Koh Phi Phi. On a rickety old boat with the winds raging outside we were tossed side to side as water poured in from the front. The crew members laughed but more like men staring at the abyss than like they were enjoying themselves. The tipping point came when people behind us started being sick and they began to hand out bin liners. As the smells crept into my nostrils I thought I would be next. Nic advised I lie down and try and go to a happy place. So much like a rape victim I lied back and took it. Unlike a rape victim I listened to Explosions In The Sky to calm my heart rate. Nic of course had a nice nap and was quite surprised I was in such a state when we reached shore. Still we survived and I wasn't sick. I deserve a medal.

Koh Phi Phi Don was an incredibly different experience to anywhere else we've been. A tiny island with no roads and a busy and populated centre of winding streets filled with shops, restaurants, tourism offices and diving schools. Stimuli everywhere competing for your attention. Unlike other places though the hustle and bustle was kind of enjoyable making you feel like you were in a pirate town. Our bungalow accomodation was just outside the busiest area and was again top notch. This was also the first area (apart from Bangkok) we'd been to that actually seemed busy which again was a welcome change.

Phi Phi Don has experienced a boom in tourism in the past ten years after the release of The Beach. Though the film is set on a fictional island on the other side of the country it was inspired by Phi Phi Don's neighbour Phi Phi Lay. We journeyed here to do some snorkling and for a bit of a The Beach experience (Making up for the earlier Titanic experience getting here). Like the film it's a veritable playground of caves and lagoons. As we went past a rickety pier on our long boat it did feel a bit like we were on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. To get to The Beach itself there was a rope structure set-up through caves and over a wooden ladder. Quite inspiringly our guide gave us no instructions leading us to think it would be an easier jounrney than it looked. It wasn't. After making our way through a small National Park jungle we reached the beach itself. It's quite hard to describe how you can get such a remote and peaceful place. To go with a Jersey description it's a bit like round the back at Greve times a hundred. I think Nic's photos do a better job of capturing it (one at the top of this post). It's probably my favourite thing we've done so far.



On the island Nic also went through with her promise that she was going to get a tattoo. She was at first reluctant hoping to find a tattoist who didn't have any tattoos / piercings himself and spoke English as a first language (preferebly with a degree). Eventually she settled on a grungy place playing Rage Against The Machine / The Libertines / Placebo. (Our current hotel has James Blunt on repeat. You win some, you lose some.) She got 'Wray' tattooed on her wrist (See photo). She once again shot down ' Josh Franco Sucks' and I can only presume chose this as a mispelt tribute to her favourite character from hit sitcom 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

We are now in Phuket which in't prenouned as funnily as it's spelt but is still a funny name (Poo-ket). This is a much larger island than Phi Phi and although we were only there four days came as a bit of a culture shock. Here the weather seems even more volatile but that means there are some gnarly (oh yeah) looking waves that I plan on throwing myself into later.

In a couple of days we leave Thailand and head onto Malaysia. We have tickets booked for the final of the Malaysian Tennis Open so if you fancy getting up at 8.30 on Saturday to watch it on Eurosport 8 or whatever then look out for us!

Internet time is running down now. Again thanks for the comments and please feel free to leave some more.

Missing you all,

Steve & Nic

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Elephanting

The abbreviated Jose version:
'We rode on an elephant. The elephant did a big poo. Elephants are wrinkly.'

The last three days have been a heady mix of the terrifying, the fun and the sleeping in a hammock. On our final day in Samui we took a tour with hotel guide Fong. This would involve travelling along the precarious roads of the island on the back of motor bikes. There were no helmets on offer, 'no one wears helmets here' Nic assured me. I'm sorry Mum but we went for it. Nic and I would travel on the back of motor bikes driven by our trustworthy guide Fong and a surly Swiss seventy one year old called Randy who smoked like a chimney and was on a 7 week holiday (I imagine while 'the heat' died off) who was extremely reluctant to share his bike with anyone because he feared he may kill / injure them. Sitting on the back of his bike I shared this fear. To be fair it probably was worth this risk to get to see the island and enjoy a bit more of the culture. The highlight being two rocks known as grand father and grand mother that were shaped like a penis and lady gates respectively. There is a picture of me stroking said dong. Fong also took us out of the beaten track for some spicy and delicious authentic thai food. For those in J-town i'd recommend visiting the Dicq Shack and getting some spicy snapper fish. Presuming they serve it.

After Samui we departed for Koh Phangan the world famous party capital and home of the full moon party. We didn't time our visit for these parties and instead spent our first two days here relaxing. Staying at the Shiralea Resort, run by some former Jersey residents, we have a spacious bungalow with a hammock on deck, swimming pool and short walk to the beach. This was a welcome improvement from Samui where you have to navigate a maze of hotel resorts to find any semblance of beach. At night the beach comes alive with BBQs held by the different restaurants. Here we sat facing the ocean watching fire dancers and eating the type of BBQ that even Bingo Bob would be proud of.

So the first two days were relaxing... Today not so much. We had booked ourselves on the Koh Phangan Safari. Picked up at 8.30 on our way to the Safari base we saw a man with a fully grown Gibbon on his lap riding a motorbike. I shit you not. And this wasn't even part of the safari. The actual building initially filled me with a little trepidation. There were elephants and tiny monkeys all chained up and the facilities didn't seem great. Durrell it was not. Still we persevered. First was the elephant trek which involved journeying round park land on the back of one of these beasts as its child walked along side. About halfway through, the guide abandoned ship and left the elephant to walk us back. This gave the young one a chance to throw dirt over us. Still, on the back of these things I felt safer than biking with Swiss Randy. After the elephants came a weird show where a man and woman danced around like complete psychos and then put King Cobras in their mouths. It was as strange as it sounds. Afterward we had a chance to interact with less deadly boa snakes. As some of you may know my fear of snakes is just one way in which I am exactly like Indiana Jones. Once again I looked fear directly in the face and after some coaxing from Nic I touched that snake on its back. basically I am Bear Grylls meets Terry Nutkins. After that we said goodbye to the park. Yes there wasn't much room for the animals to roam but they kept them washed and fed and the staff seemed to have a good relationship with them. The rest of the day was pretty standard viewing a dried out waterfall (Exciting), a Chinese temple and going snorkelling. There are many fish out here! Heading back to base camp after this and I think I'll fall asleep in the hammock for a third night in a row.

Thanks for all the comments so far. It is heartening that his blog has more followers in 3 posts than my personal blog has after 158 posts. Heading back to the mainland tomorrow and bussing it to the sea side town of Krabbi. I think there should be more photos up too.

Missing you all,

Steve & Nic

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ps - I haven't had a poo in 5 days. Any suggestions? Nics bowel movements are fine.

Tuk Tuk Rally

The Josh Franco section
Today we saw two cute puppies. They were brown with white spots. I like cute puppies.

Due to his learning difficulties Josh refuses to read anything longer than three sentences so I had to post this for him. Non morons please read on.

Greetings Sports Fans

How are you? (Wait for response). Awesome, I was hoping you'd be well. We're here in a small internet cafe / travel agent in Kho Samui between two bars filled with old white men looking for young Thai ladies. Good times.

Last time I left you we'd just arrived in Bangkok and oh boy does that seem a long time ago. After the initial shock of arriving we set out in the next two days to see more of the city. Our chosen form of transport was the Tuk Tuk. These are basically three wheeled bike / car jobbies with a carriage on the back. From the outside they look incredibly dangerous but inside they seem safe as houses. Kind of like a Fantasyland ride at Disney - Mostly smooth sailing but with enough turns and sudden stops to keep kids and adults interested. Plus they can dodge through traffic and for the most part are very cheap. On Monday we chartered one and he took us around the city's Buddhist monuments. As this was a Buddhist holiday all the monuments were free entry and the tuk tuk driver gave us an extra low price. We saw the giant standing Buddha, the smaller sitting Buddha (he was sitting) and the impressive great mound which were 400 steps to a temple overlooking the city. I don't know about you but I think Christianity could benefit from a few 100 foot giant golden statues of Jesus. On Monday before we left Bangkok another cheap Tuk Tuk tuk (get it? us to see Siam and its labyrinth shopping centres. Unwilling to spend our money on crap we decided to go see The Final Destination in 3D! Oh yes. A trip to the cinema in Thailand is similar to the UK except its cheaper (thats not saying much. The giant golden Buddha statue was probably cheaper than a UK cinema trip), it has trailers for crazy ass Thai movies (one seemed to be about an old man making out with his daughter) and before the film you have to stand whilst a short film of the king plays soundtracked by the national anthem. Weird.

There was only one downside to our Tuk Tuk excursions.

FACT: The Bangkok economy is entirely reliant on tailors.

It seems to be difficult to walk along any Thai street without someone trying to summon you into a tailors with promise of making you a cheap yet high quality suit. I don't doubt their good intentions I JUST DON'T WANT A SUIT! It seems that Tuk Tuk drivers keep their prices cheap by being sponsored by said tailors. Any good priced journey will result in a trip to a tailors (or in one case jewelers) where you have to go in and feign interest in their product. We didn't know this at first and our tuk tuk driver was quite put out by our flat out refusal to buy many fine suits. He got over it. My favourite of these forced trips was to the jewelery shop. We asked questions about birth stones and made up relatives who needed presents (No diamonds for you Mum!). On our way to the train station the driver who was already charging an extortionate price because of rush hour tried to take us to a tailor. I thought Nicki might sock him in the mouth. Luckily he responded to our refusal to go in by taking us to our destination without any argument.

Following Bangkok we took the night train south. It was nice to see the area by train and despite being in Second Class with no AC and just a fan it was very comfortable. We had bunk beds like in prison! We then took a boat and ferry and now find ourselves on the tropical island paradise (Like Jersey!) of Kho Samui. We are staying at the Tropical Garden Hotel and have a lovely little bungalow and 24 hour pool which we have been merking night and day (With Poolside Jenga!). Today we had a look around the island heading to the main tourist beach area. I thought our hotel was nice but some of the places down there were something else. You can tell the clientale they are looking for. Some English people approached us to do market research for their new property. Once being told we were under 25 they weren't interested anymore. Anyway, after the beach we explored more of the island and visited a giant Buddha on a beach. 50 Bah (about one pound) bought us a brick in their new temple with our names on (Nicki wouldn't let me put 'JOSH FRANCO SUCKS' ON IT). We also saw some cute puppies.

We have another day in Samui and then off to explore a few of the other islands where maybe if you're good you'll get another update. Nic has put the photos on her Facebook page and hopefully I can soon convince her to put them on the Photo Bucket account she set up.

Wish you were here,

Steve & Nicki

xxx

PS - We saw a 7-8 year old child wandering round in Bangkok holding a picture of Sam Tannas weeping 'Papa, Papa' over and over again. It was probably a coincidence.

Hey Ho, Let's Go

Greetings Friends

It's Sunday afternoon and we are rocking with our Bangkoks out. We arrived in Thailand two days ago and boy howdy it has been hectic so far. The journey was excellent. In some type of act of karma the plane had about twelve excellent films to choose from after I had PS I Love You and The Chipmunks n my last long plane journey (Go see Adventureland!). After getting in we were whisked to our hotel in the middle of some sort of meat packing slum. The actual place was great but we were warned not go out because 'dangerous'. Still it gave us the chance to get used to the humidity and enjoy some Thai food. Also we were next to a river with giant fish and tiny crocodile.

Bangkok itself is just an assault on the senses. Noise, people and most of all smells. Some are good, many are confusing, some awful. Everything is sugar based it seems. Anyway, we had a walk along the Khao San Road and were offered everything from tuk tuk rides to tailoring to eye tattoos to foot massages from tiny fish. It's so cheap but it doesn't mean it's enticing in anyway.

We have another day here and then we're heading on a 14 hour train ride to Ko Samu aka the beach. Still, I think it'll be a more enjoyable journey than going down Brelades on a busy summers day.

Missing you all,

Steve & Nic

xxxxxxx

PS - No luck finding your illegitimate son Tannas. Sorry. We'll keep looking.